So, Now What?
By Maria Myrback
I have been told time and again that, right now, my job is my health. I have heard multiple people express how chronic illness is a full time job. I understand that. I really do. But I still feel driven to do SOMETHING with my days.
I’ve been a writer since I was 12 years old. I’ve spent the last 36 years intermittently writing everything from fan fiction (Poor Luke Duke fell in love with me so many times when I was 13) to unpublished fantasy novels to local newspaper articles to this blog. I love writing. I also love trying new things. I’ve tried my hand at nearly everything I’ve ever had an interest in, just to see if it fit.
Most of it didn’t, for one reason or another. As regular readers know, I found something that made my heart go pittypat in herpetology and my research into Burmese Pythons. But epilepsy has taken that away from me. You can find details in previous articles, so I won’t take up space rehashing it here.
I still feel a desire to do something with the times like these when I am not drugged out of my tree or having so many seizures that I can’t complete a full sentence without stopping. Yes, eventually we’ll probably do something more with this blog. But what else?
Right now I feel like I’m just taking up space. I feel like, aside from this blog, I’m not accomplishing anything of use. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not useless. Yeah, I know I’m not taking up space. I just want to be productive.
So, now what?
Yes, I plan on continuing to write for BH. I know I’m doing some good here. But what else? I have other projects that I started PE (Pre-epilepsy) but are they things I want to pursue? I just don’t know. I’ve got a spiffy room to create art if I want to. I have three books that I have partial story bibles for. One of them, I’ve even written a bunch of scenes for.
Here’s the thing. It’s urban fantasy. Is anyone going to take me seriously with BH if I publish a book about faeries? Should I bother with the UF even though I love where this potential series is going? Should I just write it for me? Do I get a nom deplume for one of them? And what about the art? Do I just abandon it and chalk it up to something that didn’t fit? Am I asking too many questions for this paragraph?
So, now what?
There is so much I still want to do with my life. I can’t let an illness keep me from doing at least some of it.
David Bowie, a loss I will feel for a long time, was someone whose music and movies I grew up with. He was a person who taught me that being different is okay. Being different is good. From him I learned that we can show our difference to the world boldly and without shame.
His last gift to us, his fans, has taught me so much. The painfully raw video, “Lazarus” is a visceral reminder that, beyond the pain, beyond the frustration and anger, beyond the heartache that illness brings, we all still have one thing.